I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
