You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
