Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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