how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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