I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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