I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
