Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
