M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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