Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
