It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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