I just made out with a guy for $7.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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