Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
