I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
