I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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