You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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