FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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