people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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