I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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