Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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