Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
