Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My dick has a subreddit
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
