Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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