I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
