its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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