dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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