If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
