i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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