I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
