So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
