I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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