Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
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I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
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He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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