I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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