Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
