They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
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