one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
