We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
