my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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