I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
