she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.