trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.