also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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