so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
