last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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