dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
