now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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