So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
