The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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