you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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