Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
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i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
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She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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