at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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