It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
