shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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