____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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