yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
