also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
