I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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