nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
