clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
