she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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