This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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