Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
