I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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